Reflections of my life
Why is playing with bubble wrap so much fun? I wonder if it's only a guy thing, cuz I've never seen a woman play with bubble wrap. I'm serious, everytime I see a guy with bubble wrap, it's like I'm being controlled by an unknown source, like I have to join him and pop the little bubbles.
I've been watching the TV show scrubs and I have to say, I love the show, it's actually causing me to lose much needed sleep here, and so far, from what I've noticed, it's the only thing here in Iraq that causes me to giggle like a 4 year old ponytailed girl.
I've never been big on thinking about what if I die. Which is weird because for some morbid reason I think about what would happen if other people that I knew died. People like my boys here, or worse a relative of my, or one of my parents. I know I'd be devastated if my mom passed away. I wouldn't be able to function for a long time, Alcohol would definitely be involved. But that got me thinking what IF I did die here? How would my mom handle it? I really never gave it much thought till this moment because of the way I see life; if it happens it happens, can't stop it, so why fear it. But to realize the effects of it....it's starting to affect me. Not so much scaring me, but more so in a sense feeling pissed off and weak because there's nothing I CAN do to stop it, to stop the inevitable pain and anguish others will feel if it does happen. My mom raised me single handedly and tried her damndest to make sure I was raised right. I used to fault her so much because although she tried her best, due to the circumstances, in my eyes at times when I was younger....it was never enough. She's sacrificed so much for me, she wanted me to do well in college so that I can have the better life that she didn't have, and in essence, I've so far failed her. I've ran away from the hardship of adulthood and ran away head first into war. I tell others that I can always finish college, that it's always there for me, so why not have some fun in the Army, mature myself, learn more about myself, to see what I'm made of, and yet, at the end of the day I know what she said is right. I did run away.
I didn't like how hard "life" was...Making sure the bills were paid on time, the rent, the gas, the electricity, the student loan, the car insurance (that even she helped pay for) the water bill, the cable bill, the cell phone bill, the goddamn credit card bills. All had to be paid at different times of course, this on the 1st, this by the 18th, this by the 27th. I squandered away the money I had from my 1st deployment away in less that 6 months back...patrying, buying stupid shit, living the care free high life....without even facing reality. The result? missing payments, phone getting shut off, grades going to shit...and at the end of the day who's there for me when I need her? My mother, it's embarrassing still having to go to the parents when you need a bail out. To have to look into her eyes see the disappoint and yet hope that eventually I'll come through and finish school, and land a good job; to make her truly proud of me, it was painful, so what do I do? I run off and go active duty, join the infantry of all jobs. I didn't even think of any of that at the time. I just figured, fuck it, life sucks, paycheck to paycheck sucks, all this responsibility sucks, fuck it all, I remember when I was in Iraq I didn't have to deal with any of this shit, don't have to worry about groceries, the bills, working to get good grades, plus I'm good with all the Army shit and the Army life. So here I am now, running away....
All I can think of now is that when I get out, I'm gonna go back to college and get my shit straight. But the truth of the matter is, the most likely outcome is probably going to be histroy repeating itself, and I wonder if I'll be finally strong enough and mature that to stop that from happening.
So when people thank me, and say how proud they are that I'm protecting them, and all that patriotic gibberish, I feel embarrassed, because the truth is..I'm not a hero or brave or any of that...I'm just a coward. No more, no less. If I did die here, I think the biggest fear is that my mom will think she failed me, and I can't let her feel that way, She deserves to feel proud. I can't just sit on my ass and hope eveything's gonna be alright. I gotta get done with this tour, and finally own up to it all and become a real man. To finally, make her porud. I can't let her down. I won't let her down. I've fucked around in life enough. This time I gotta do it right.
I've been watching the TV show scrubs and I have to say, I love the show, it's actually causing me to lose much needed sleep here, and so far, from what I've noticed, it's the only thing here in Iraq that causes me to giggle like a 4 year old ponytailed girl.
I've never been big on thinking about what if I die. Which is weird because for some morbid reason I think about what would happen if other people that I knew died. People like my boys here, or worse a relative of my, or one of my parents. I know I'd be devastated if my mom passed away. I wouldn't be able to function for a long time, Alcohol would definitely be involved. But that got me thinking what IF I did die here? How would my mom handle it? I really never gave it much thought till this moment because of the way I see life; if it happens it happens, can't stop it, so why fear it. But to realize the effects of it....it's starting to affect me. Not so much scaring me, but more so in a sense feeling pissed off and weak because there's nothing I CAN do to stop it, to stop the inevitable pain and anguish others will feel if it does happen. My mom raised me single handedly and tried her damndest to make sure I was raised right. I used to fault her so much because although she tried her best, due to the circumstances, in my eyes at times when I was younger....it was never enough. She's sacrificed so much for me, she wanted me to do well in college so that I can have the better life that she didn't have, and in essence, I've so far failed her. I've ran away from the hardship of adulthood and ran away head first into war. I tell others that I can always finish college, that it's always there for me, so why not have some fun in the Army, mature myself, learn more about myself, to see what I'm made of, and yet, at the end of the day I know what she said is right. I did run away.
I didn't like how hard "life" was...Making sure the bills were paid on time, the rent, the gas, the electricity, the student loan, the car insurance (that even she helped pay for) the water bill, the cable bill, the cell phone bill, the goddamn credit card bills. All had to be paid at different times of course, this on the 1st, this by the 18th, this by the 27th. I squandered away the money I had from my 1st deployment away in less that 6 months back...patrying, buying stupid shit, living the care free high life....without even facing reality. The result? missing payments, phone getting shut off, grades going to shit...and at the end of the day who's there for me when I need her? My mother, it's embarrassing still having to go to the parents when you need a bail out. To have to look into her eyes see the disappoint and yet hope that eventually I'll come through and finish school, and land a good job; to make her truly proud of me, it was painful, so what do I do? I run off and go active duty, join the infantry of all jobs. I didn't even think of any of that at the time. I just figured, fuck it, life sucks, paycheck to paycheck sucks, all this responsibility sucks, fuck it all, I remember when I was in Iraq I didn't have to deal with any of this shit, don't have to worry about groceries, the bills, working to get good grades, plus I'm good with all the Army shit and the Army life. So here I am now, running away....
All I can think of now is that when I get out, I'm gonna go back to college and get my shit straight. But the truth of the matter is, the most likely outcome is probably going to be histroy repeating itself, and I wonder if I'll be finally strong enough and mature that to stop that from happening.
So when people thank me, and say how proud they are that I'm protecting them, and all that patriotic gibberish, I feel embarrassed, because the truth is..I'm not a hero or brave or any of that...I'm just a coward. No more, no less. If I did die here, I think the biggest fear is that my mom will think she failed me, and I can't let her feel that way, She deserves to feel proud. I can't just sit on my ass and hope eveything's gonna be alright. I gotta get done with this tour, and finally own up to it all and become a real man. To finally, make her porud. I can't let her down. I won't let her down. I've fucked around in life enough. This time I gotta do it right.
posted by PurelyFiction at 10:08 AM
2 Comments:
dude ya need to find a really easy college
it would make all the difference
one where if u go to class u pass
check it out
a few verses from the quran.
017.023
your Lord has decreed, that you worship none save Him, and (that you show) kindness to parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age with thee, say not ‘uff’ unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word.
017.024
And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."
031.014
And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (your final) Goal.
and the prophet said, 'paradise lies at the feet of your mother'.
i think you would agree?
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